question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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