he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
