so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
