I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
