i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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