Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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