Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
