You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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