just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
