You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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