Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
