i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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