You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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