His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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