Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
