I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
