my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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