I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize