Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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