Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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