There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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