I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
