he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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