I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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