Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
