If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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