Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
