Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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