So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
