Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
