On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
