Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
