I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
