I wish I could teleport
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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