Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
