Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want a musical about memes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
