If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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