If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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