but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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