she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize