I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
