And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
