Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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