Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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