Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
