I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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