I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
