I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
