he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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