We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
