The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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