He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
