What a fucking waste of an outfit
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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