I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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