Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
