i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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