i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize