Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
