Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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