Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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