Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
