He uses pillows to masturbate.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
