Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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