Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
